I was sitting across a dear friend of mine at a sushi restaurant back in November of 2017. Though this person was going through some really tough life shit- family trauma, financial struggle, relationship troubles- they talked about their life circumstances with a sense of peace that completely baffled me. And, this sense of peace didn’t come from a forced perspective of positivity. It didn’t come from some refusal to see reality, or lack very deep and real pain. They were actively struggling, deeply feeling, yet also, unshaken in their ability to trust and know that everything will be okay. I simply couldn’t wrap my head around it. They treated others so generously even if they were different from them. They held others and themselves accountable firmly, but respectfully. They spoke about their imperfections yet also humbly shared their wins, and cheered for the wins of others. They respected others and themselves with a curiosity and freedom that resulted in an ever-present sense of peace. Not in an ignorant way, but in a courageous way. And that peace wasn’t only felt by them, but by everyone around them, too. Like a safe space on legs, if you will.
Just as I had many times before, I listened to them talk about their life circumstances and simply couldn’t fathom how they didn’t crumble beneath the crushing weight of external overwhelm, stress, and trauma. I suppose it wasn’t that they weren’t crumbling- they’re a human after all- but amidst the crumble, their heart stood genuinely firm. It inspired me to no end. I wanted whatever they had- whatever perspective or secret sauce that gave them such a genuine heart posture. One that didn’t ignore the pain and devastation, but chose to walk through it bravely, boldly, imperfectly, and with genuine care.
I asked them, how are you like this? And they replied, God.
I grew up in a faithful family- but we weren’t focused on religion as much as we were just focused on God. My family has always had a really healthy, personal relationship with faith. I didn’t grow up going to church every Sunday for most of my life, but I went sometimes. It was never about perfectly following rules, checking off boxes, doing everything “right,” or trying to judge/change other people. It was always about something deeper than that- about getting to know who God was. Going to church never felt forced upon me, it was often offered as a choice. And naturally, especially as a young person, this made me feel more inclined to get curious and go see what this Jesus guy was all about. I did go to church consistently for a year or so in my early twenties, until I witnessed the most grand example of hyposcrisy from the very people in the church who claimed to be followers of Jesus. It left me with the most sour taste in my mouth that lasted years. It wasn’t until I eventually felt comfortable again with the truth that people, unfortunately, ruin God for alot of people. The pain, hypocrisy, and pure hurt I had experienced was a representation of people- not God.
Especially as I’ve gotten older, I feel more and more grateful for the fact that I have no religious trauma. I’ve learned that’s a rare thing. I have such a healthy perspective on a higher power because I was thankfully never indoctrinated with any lies pertaining to it. But I know countless people that understandably cringe at the thought of God or religion. And trust me, I get it, and I’ve been there more than once. Throughout my life I’ve gone in and out of my faith several times- it’s a completely normal thing. Our faith and relationship with any higher power should naturally include some big doubt, big curiosity, confusion, and lack of full understanding. It should be welcomed and invited. It’s only human- and we’re so loved for that. I’ve been through many periods of time where talking about God felt uncomfortable, insufferable, and/or even annoying. I’d want to run away every time it was brought up. It’s just human. But a few years back, in a season when I was feeling very far away from God, it was another conversation with a dear friend that sparked the realization that no matter how much I try, I’m simply not in control of my life. I can’t try to control it, I can’t handle life’s pain on my own, and I’m certainly the farthest thing from perfect. I needed help- not because I’m helpless, incapable, or weak. Not because I’m a bad person. But simply because I’m an imperfect person in a very imperfect world. I needed help navigating all the heaviness. I wanted to surrender my desperation to control things.
Growing up in the arts, I was constantly around queer communities, and/or around communities deemed as outcasts who have been told “God hates them” or that “they are so un-Godly they cannot be loved.” This put a spark in my heart from an early age- because statements like those couldn’t be farther from the truth. I know countless people who think that God is this big judgmental guy in the sky, sitting on his throne of moral superiority, casting hatred upon people and how they live for various reasons. I know countless people who, because of this, fail to believe God even exists. And if I were them I’d feel that way too. I’d give God a big, New York style, “Fuck you too!” if I was of the belief I was created to be hated.
But no one is excluded from God’s love.
What angers me and genuinely pains me the most is how people make God about themselves instead of making themselves about God. People use God to justify judging, hating, and forcing lifestyles on people. It genuinely baffles me, how many people call themselves people of God, yet act in complete opposition of God. God’s love isn’t and cannot be earned or stripped away. It’s ever-present simply because we exist. Crazy to wrap the mind around, I know. But just for a second, allow yourself to maybe believe in the possibility that, that kind of love exists. The thing is- God is greater than anything we can imagine. A figureless, genderless, energy that exists everywhere in all things. God is so creative- they make themselves available to people in countless ways, cultures, and places. I personally resonate with Christianity but it most certainly is not my place or desire to judge anyone, try to force my beliefs down their throat, or point fingers and say, “I’m right and you’re wrong!” Because who really knows! And besides, that kind of thing is not at all what God’s about. That will make someone run far away from getting curious about God. Which is why, even though my faith is the center of my life, I strongly believe religion needs to stay out of politics. Faith must be a personal journey. Who wants more to do with anything when it feels like it’s being forced upon you? In my eyes, God isn’t about religion, it’s about a personal relationship. And it really changes everything.
Faith isnt about perfection, it’s about embracing being human. And, knowing that in all of our messed up, imperfect humanity, we are still loved and worthy of that love. Faith isn’t about understanding everything, it’s about surrendering to the fact that there’s something bigger than us. And that’s really hard and scary to do. Especially when we live in such an unfair world, full of grief and pain. It can just feel… wierd. Maybe even ignorant or irresponsible. I’ve felt all of these things. And, I still do at times! My faith can really waiver when I’m dealing with something like deep insecurity or grief. Hell, these days my faith can waiver after reading any news headline. But it’s human- faith is a living, breathing, ever evolving relationship. The language surrounding it all can understandably feel intimidating, charged, or even offensive. It can seem to be completely misaligned with our world today- especially when people take religious text completely literally. “I’m a sinner and I need a savior” can sound spooky. But all that really means is, “I’m imperfect and I need help navigating this imperfect world.” Reading the Bible and/or other religious text has only helped me get to know who God is, and therefore, know how to love others better and live my life more presently. The thought of God being a man also understandably wigs people out, as well as the fact that there are some homophobic and misogonystic sounding messages in there- I totally get it. But those things are just not what God’s about- humans make that what God’s about. When you spend time breaking down that text and getting to know God’s character, it will become inherently obvious that no matter who you are or how you live, you’re loved and accepted beyond measure. Which leads me to perhaps the most important thing- the fact that no imperfect aspect of our humanity is comparable. No imperfection is deemed “worse” than another. The judgemental people really do be forgetting this one. We are all equally imperfect. And all equally loved. We. Are. All. Equal. And. Loved. No matter what. For exactly who we are. No matter your sexuality, your race, your lifestyle, your culture. Whatever. God is a pair open arms, not a set of pointing fingers. If there is anything you take away from reading my newsletter today- please let it be this.
I am not talking about this to change you, to force anything on you, or to prove to you I am right about something. I’m writing about this because my relationship with God is the greatest gift I have ever been given. It changes the way I think, the way I treat people, the way I work, rest, and walk through the world. It’s changed every aspect of my life. Religious people classicly “try to save” others or desperately try to force others into their beliefs “for their own good.” And while the intentions may be good (question mark?) the behavior itself certainly is not, and it most definitely isn’t Godly. The way people come to know God is by experiencing God’s love through other human beings. God is what inspires me to love others and live life the way I do. God calls us to truly love each other- no matter our differences. And I know this sounds passive or too peaceful for the world we live in today. But in reality- truly loving someone can be really, really hard. It’s not always peaceful or pleasant. Sometimes it’s the most vulnerable, difficult, and brave thing we can do. Especially when we disagree or don’t see eye to eye. Nothing has ever truly changed in a long term, positive way by being hated or bullied into that change. Hatred and judgement only inspire further iterations of the two.
And when I say love, I don’t mean all love is the same love. We are not going to love a stranger in the same way we’d love our partner or a family member. But the principle of loving, the intention behind it, remains the same. To love, so that someone else is intentionally affected in a way that ultimately makes some sort of valuable, lasting impact. I think that when people talk about love, they equate it to an approach that’s too soft, or one that lacks real action. But the thing is- when love is what sculpts our minds and our hearts, the impact may seem inadequate but it’s ripple is immeasurably large. Knowing and understanding who God really is, and what God’s love is really about, inspires a desire to love like no other. It changes lives- it’s the reason I’m still here. When we are able to give ourselves grace, we can give that to others too. When we are able to see ourselves as imperfect, we can love others more deeply and genuinely, without fault. Loving isn’t ignorant, it’s actually the most radical thing we can do. Especially today. I’ve honestly felt fear and trepidation when it comes to talking about my relationship with God because I’m kind of *so* terrified to be lumped in with people who claim they are faithful but are speaking and acting out of pure judgement and vitriol. I know I’ve mentioned God/Universe many times in this newsletter, but I haven’t outright spoken about my journey with my faith until today. This isn’t a newsletter about faith, but so much of my writing and thought processes are, and always have been, purely inspired it.
There are and always will be so many questions about God. But there is one thing I do know- God isn’t the reason bad things happen. We aren’t all puppets on a string- to truly love someone is to allow them free will. And this is how God loves us. Which again, further iterates my belief that a relationship with God is, and must be, a truly personal choice and exploration. It’s far from perfect and isn’t supposed to be. Perfection isn’t an expectation that can actually be met- even if there are examples to follow. Personally, striving for Godly perfection has only lead to feelings of guilt, judgement, and insufficiency. I will never be perfect- but I will do my best to live and love as honorably as Jesus did. And when I don’t, I’ll know I’m loved and do my best to love better. I know it’s hard to have faith in something or someone we cannot tangibly interact with and/or see- but there will just never be words to explain the tangible change that happens in my life when I’ve pursued my faith consistently. It at times can feel silly, like some mythology or magic, until I repeatedly witness aligned changes actually happening in my life. It sounds crazy, I know, but I guess that’s why I wanted to write about it. It’s too wonderfully wild, and honestly a bit freaky (in a good way) not to share.
God is an advocate, a support, a guide. My heart and my mind have been too poisoned by society’s lies, standards, and bullshit. And because of this, I’ve been down some pretty gnarly personal paths- eating disorders, abusing various prescription drugs, suicidal ideation and even one attempt. Not to mention the fact I’m covered in tattoos, I enjoy cannabis, I live with my boyfriend even though we aren’t married… my list of technically unholy behavior goes on and on… and on. But see, God’s not up there in the clouds with a notebook keeping tabs on all this stuff. God loves without fault. I mean it. God doesn’t hold things against us. All God wants is to know us. And I know this to be true because I have experienced a life, a freedom, and a goodness like no other when I consistently just talk to God and get to know what He’s about. I tell God about my wins, my worries, my rage. God knows every flaw of mine and yet gives, loves, and guides so generously. I’m not made to feel guilty or shameful- I can know I’m loved and celebrated exactly as I am, and move forward with grace. God’s love is so powerful it’s what I use to hold myself accountable- it inspires me to no end. It’s still hard to wrap my head around. God has made the pain of humanity a lot more bearable, and continually gives me the endurance to love and have hope in a world that seems more and more void of it.
There is no timeline, no “right or wrong” way to have a relationship with God. It’s just a choice- and this choice may happen over and over again in a lifetime. It may look and feel different depending on where we’re at in our lives, or what we’re currently going through. But no matter how much we change- God doesn’t. God meets us right where we’re at- you don’t have to change or be anything different than exactly who you are right now for you to know you are loved and accepted so deeply. I mean it. I mean it so much it makes me emotional even typing this. God’s love infiltrates every action, word, decision that I make. I’m so imperfect but I try my best to love others the best I can- not so that they can love me, but so they can experience the love, peace, and joy I feel on a daily basis, due to my relationship with Jesus. I do not have all the answers. I am not supposed to. There are definitely a few things I still don’t fully understand about my faith, about why the world is the way it is. But I’m okay with not having all the answers, with not needing everything in this world to be explained. Because, quite frankly, not everything in this world can be explained. There is just too much scientific evidence for the existence of a higher power. And to me, science and faith go hand in hand. Because, of course they do.
I do not live a perfect life or even try to be perfect because of my relationship with God. I just love Jesus and love people the best way I can. No matter whether we disagree, no matter how different we are. But I’m not an expert at this. I find myself getting swept up in rage, heartbreak, and confusion- just look at our world. Our country. A people divided, spewing hate at eachother claiming we’re fighting for what’s right when we’re both just playing the exact same game. It will get us nowhere. We’re so allowed to be full of rage, but projecting that anger onto others will only result people digging their heels deeper into what they already believe. I think we experience hate because at the core of our hate, we’re terrified. We’re terrified because we all don’t know how inherently loved we are, for being who we are. No matter our differences. If everyone walked around secure in the knowledge that we are all supposed to be different and all equally loved and capable, the world would be a much different place. This is the world we all dream of. I can’t change the world- but I can try to make loving change in my world. My heart, my family, my friends, my community. To God, we are not loved or good because of what we’ve done, how successful we are, how liked we are by others, how well we follow rules. What matters is that we love. Truly, genuinely, deeply. And when we do, everything changes. Love with words. With actions. With hard conversations. With money. With time. With patience. With endurance. Love is not the absence of anger or action. It is the very fuel of it.
Faith is challenging. It’s supposed to be. It’s supposed to transform our hearts, raise curiosities, and in some ways counter our current culture. But no matter what- it shouldn’t change the way we genuinely love people. You cannot genuinely love someone if you are judging them. All of this is so much easier said than done because there are, VERY understandably, alot of charged emotions when it comes to talking about God. But I’m writing this because no matter what, I want to assure you of one thing, and one thing only, that I know to be true: God is love. And it starts within our hearts, our relationships at work, with strangers, friends, and lovers. And when something that small happens on a wide scale, that is when big change happens. God meets us in our deepest imperfections and struggles. And God loves us for it. God expects it, actually. If you want to find God, you don’t have to do anything special. Just talk to them. In your head, outloud. Or, if you’re curious and want to learn more in the absolute least intimidating way possible, check out the book, Superadded, by Hosanna Wong. Incredible read for people who don’t really know anything about God- it’s so life giving, life changing, and not pushy in any way. It’s the book that turned my hardened heart more tender again.
It’s now been eight years since I sat across my friend in that sushi restaurant. Both of our faith journeys look totally different than they did when we were sat at that table. Totally normal. Totally imperfect. And we’re so incredibly deeply loved for that.
You are too.
Love always, all ways,
tara w.
P.S. I have so many updates and photos to share with you regarding the recent projects of my budding small business! Beyond grateful and so full of joy- thank you immeasurably for your support, always. More to come <3
But for now, here’s some art I made and some words I wrote in the park recently:
